I Figured Out My Quarantine Malaise.

Malaise: a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify.

(Shout out to the band Grizzly Bear for their song Two Weeks - it's the only reason that word is in my vocabulary.)

Every single day of 'quarantine' I wake up with the pending question: "well what the hell am I going to do today?" It's become... an unpleasant routine. I can't ignore the fact that, now more than ever, I feel no purpose in my life.

Everyday I do a mixture of cooking, cleaning, seeing family, watching television, working on my new YouTube channel, exercising, etc. They are all things I'm interested in, things I care about. But I just wish there was some mission I had to go out and accomplish, say... an eight hour shift at work?

I never realized how much purpose my job gives me. It's not just what I do at work, it's the responsibility and fulfillment of being given a job, a large task, and carrying it out then feeling the reward of hard work in both tiredness, money, and hopefully helping a few people along the way.

Yesterday, I woke up, scrolled Instagram for about an hour, cleaned up my room (because it seems like it self-dirties everyday), lollygagged on YouTube, and Netflix. I visited my mom for a few minutes then headed back home, taking a back road route that when I drove it - I felt the realness of this boring repetition. I remembered the line of trees on the median, the pretty new apartment building, and the rows of large houses. I'd seen it all dozens of times before, but I realize my surroundings even more now because I have the time to slow down. Which, in the beginning, was something I was happy about and grateful for.

It's almost like I'm experiencing the phenomena of living in a small town - I don't see much of anyone, I don't do much of anything, and I'm bored of my life. Hoping to be doing something better in better surroundings.

On this beautiful Saturday afternoon, I was reclined in my comfortable bed, with the window propped up, fresh lively air wisping in, and the sound of cars intermittently rolling by. I've recently started the show The Walking Dead and I was watching that when I realized something - life is just too easy right now. I carry out those simple everyday tasks I mentioned before, I go to sleep, and repeat. I have nothing to fight for and presently, nothing to live for it seems. Don't worry, I'm not working up to saying that I feel suicidal or anything like that. However, as I was watching that show, I wondered how great it would be to fight for something, to give something my all, to not have time to rest or lollygag.

And that, is a fine example of why humans will never be satisfied. Before covid, all I wanted was free time. That's what I now have and now I want work.

I didn't understand it before, when I'd hear people say they love challenge. I've always yearned for 'a simple life', I'm completely against not creating more work for myself. I'm ashamed to admit that I always thought that made me a not so ambitious person. But now I feel that I need purpose and challenge just to keep living. Feeling aimless and directionless day after day does not heal or nourish the human soul.

Just an hour ago, I kept thinking "get out and do something", I must've said it to myself 5 times. By the 5th time I followed it with a "why?". Was I telling myself to get out and do something because it's beautiful out and it's a Saturday and I feel obligated to do something? Or did I truly have something to do/accomplish?

It's important to challenge and reflect on those inner thoughts that continue to come up. As for now, I have an idea to do something different everyday. It may be difficult to force myself to do something when there's not much that I need to do but interrupting the routine of predictability in my days will add a splash of... hope. Hopefully.

Thanks for reading, please share your #quarentinestruggle in my comments. Have a great day everyone!