Free Time: Boring vs. Blessing

I do not take for granted the free-time, me-time I have available in my life right now.

So, here's too much information: I'm fresh out of a break-up. 1 month and 2 weeks to be exact. Along with the many other emotions that are the outcome of a breakup, I've also been feeling a lot of boredom and isolation lately because I just "have too much free time" (thats a direct quote from me, by the way). Too much free time ultimately causes depression. And I hate depression.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, my time to myself expanded greatly. With my former boyfriend, I would spend half of my week nights (wait, let me correct myself, as he did not want to be in a relationship with me. Not 'former boyfriend', lets go with former whichumuhcallem). Anyway back to my story, we spent so much time together - playing tennis, watching our favorite tv shows, competitively playing board games together. When it was over, the thing that previously plagued me for a long time returned - mind numbing boredom. I'm talking time-is-creeping-by boredom, boredom that made me feel like I hated my life and that life had nothing to offer. Boredom that highlighted all I did was work, come home, and do meaningless adulting things like cooking and paying bills. Life had no flavor.

One month later, I'm starting to figure out how to live alone again. Single, no kids, not many friends. I recently reflected on and remembered times when I felt so overwhelmed with work + adulting that I would constantly complain that I didn't have time for myself. I remember not having time to do my hair, remove the chipped nail polish I was wearing, clean my kitchen, etc. My work/life balance was not making me happy.

Long walks improve my mood by so much!

The things is, I love introspection, thinking, solitude, and having my own physical space which manifests as mental space. Without free time, I'm unable to do those important things. Free time allows me clarity and the ability to uncover serious revelations in my life. Each week, I need proper time to cook a couple meals, workout a couple times, maybe go on a walk here, and read a book there. Those things are very important to me. And for now, while I may not have the luxury of romantic companionship, at least I have mental space.

With each slow day, missing someone I loved and just not wanting to feel those feels, I eventually went from 'this sucks bad' to 'at least I can workout, think, journal, and do whatever the hell I want consistently.' I mean I'm actually on track so far with my reading goal this year, which hasn't happened in a while. I wonder why. Just know, if you see me slacking in the reading books area, it's probably because I have a new love interest.

While I type this, it is a Sunday morning and I've (so far) spent 4 hours doing me. I've balanced my finances so that I have a budget to stick to, paid some bills before those late fees accumulate, journaled my heart out (about that whichumuhcallem guy - rolls eyes), ordered groceries, and even paid my personal property tax. And its only noon.

At the same time, I'm aware that "doing me", is kind of... automatically selfish, isn't it? Focusing on yourself for too long can be limiting - maybe there's a family member that needs help or company or a phone call. An inner dialogue of 'me, me, me' is dangerously bordering self-absorbed. And I definitely want to steer clear of that! Not to mention, I want to have my own family one day, and damn - I'm almost 30. I can't make a family on my own so this luxurious me-time must expire one day, but for now - knowing that I can pour into myself helps me stay positive.

Peaceful bike rides