Hello, I'm: Friendless

Me: Hey

Me to Me: Sup

Me: You know what we should do?

Me to Me: Go out and make friends.

While I should be doing source reviews for a writing class, my mind is on something and as a writer I want to empty my thoughts out onto paper as soon as I can. Because they're important and I don't want to forget. As a college student, I see many social interactions and find myself in many as well. I'm in my third year of college and I do have friends but, I haven't made one solid friend. Why is that?

I'm "Picky"

I've learned a handful of useful things from YouTube, if not more. One day I decided to see if the website could help me with making friends... Why not?

I found a particular video that I actually listened to till the end because the speaker's main point was very interesting - he argued that the true way to make friends is to be nonjudgmental. To be nonjudgmental in this context is to erase blocks that we (ourselves) have made between one another. After seeing past what we think of as "negatives" we can truly get to know a person and appreciate them as they are. I thought "OK, that's easy."

However, I quickly realized that I, and almost everyone around me picked out friends based on personality traits and even appearance. Even walking around campus I notice a lot of "nerds" hanging with other nerds. The pretty girls hang with the pretty girls and the athletes hang with the athletes. It's almost like looking at the social hierarchical systems you see pointed out in high school movies like Mean Girls.

Now of course, nothing is absolute so I don't mean everyone is friends with the person most similar to them. Coming back to the speaker's solution, which is to be nonjudgmental... What if you're someone who watches Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel often, could you become friends with someone who's favorite channels are TLC and E! Entertainment? That person gets their hair and nails done weekly and likes to look nice all the time while you tend to just "wake up and go". Could you and this person be friends? The answer is yes. I've become close with people that I never thought I'd become close with.

I remember when I unintentionally offended my freshman year roommates. We had an emotional gathering at the end and I exclaimed I was so happy I had them as roommates. I said I was happy the school had picked my roommates at random because they were people I never would've been friends with... Yup, I actually said that. *face palm*

What I was trying to convey to my roommates was that circumstances and proximity had allowed me to form friendships with someone unexpected. I was able to see wonderful traits in all of them over time. On paper, you would understand why I didn't expect us to be friends. One roommate was a proud deer-hunting country music loving girl (whilst I’m a pro-animal rights vegetarian). Another one was a serious party girl and social butterfly. The third girl was full of sass and attitude (but when she wasn't, she was very sweet and maternal).

So it’s very possible to become friends with someone that doesn't have the same exact personality type as you. I learned that:

Proximity + Time = Friends

Coincidentally enough, this is actually something I'd learned about a year prior to living it. I had listened to an audio book Click: The Magic of Instant Connections. (Check it out, it's interesting!)

That handy dandy equation above means that over time, repeated exposure to someone eventually forms a friendship (or another type of relationship). Or, simply being in a situation where 2 (or more) people are experiencing/ going through the same thing forms an unforeseen relationship.

For example: some years ago I was volunteering for 4 hours at the local SPCA and I met a guy there that was maybe two years younger than me at the time. We were both on the laundry washing shift, surrounded by nothing but folded laundry and even more body bags of dirty laundry. I'd brought a book for making the time go by in those hours of tedious loading and unloading of pet blankets and toys. Me being the mute I described myself as back in the day, I wasn't going to be the one to start a conversation with him.

Without surprise, he started the conversation asking what made me volunteer at the SPCA. I said something like "I just love dogs" and his reasoning for being there was very different from mine. He proudly told me that he had been caught with marijuana in his possession. He was at the SPCA racking up volunteer hours to make himself look good in court which was a recommendation from his lawyer. He implied one way or another that his father was wealthy and had hired one for him.

Long story short, we talked for hours and... we actually enjoyed one another's company (as friends). We didn’t find things we had in common and that wasn't the thing that made me like him. It was getting to know him, seeing him outside of the illegal activities he had fun participating in. Though it was less than a day, I learned that when you get to know a person, their flaws start to matter less and less.

In a way, I find this to be the reverse of our YouTube guy's statement. His is: be nonjudgmental of people to make friends while my experience was: become friends with someone and you will be less judgmental of them. Basically: give someone a chance.

Finding Someone 'Similar to Me'

It's a technique I employed for a while or at least tried to. My idea was to find someone who looked liked me (not biologically, but rather their style and how they present/carry themselves), someone with a lot of the same hobbies as mine, same outlook on life, etc. The problem is I'm just too different. Being a black female who grew up in Virginia in Islam, being 1 of 6 siblings, loving dogs, Indie music, drawing, painting, pottery, and her time alone reading... I've always felt that the mixture of things that made me, me was incredibly rare.

I'd seen groups of girls that joked the same, laughed the same, liked the same things and the same boys. I couldn't do that, not just exactly what they liked but even having my own group of girls where we were all just cohesive... and had a ton in common. I've never had that and it doesn't feel like I ever will.

It's funny because I went to a majority-black high school - the people there and my family can be pretty close minded as well. I've been called "white" quite a few times. And that's nothing new, I'm sure any POC out there who talks with an ounce of sophistication or indulges in any hobby outside the mainstream of their race - are deemed "actin' white". But that's a tangent I won't go towards right now. The point I'm trying to make is... with the mixture of personality traits I possess, the family I come from, what I like to do in my spare time - it almost makes it impossible for me to find someone like me. I've never met anyone like me. There's a phrase I hear all the time - "we have so much in common!" but never towards me. I hope it doesn't sound pretentious when I say "I'm too different" but if that's the case then that's what it is.

Settling with 'just-have-fun' friends

Now, when I pretty much confessed to you random internet people that I don't have any friends, I'm sure you pictured me at the movies by myself, in my room on a Friday night by myself, going to restaurants by myself, etc. And that would ALL be true, I most certainly do ALL of the above and without a care in the world! I used to walk to and from classes alone and sit for a number of grueling hours alone in the library by myself. But anyway, enough self-pity.

This part is about "associates" or friends that you just have fun with. While it is true that I do a lot of things alone, I also go out and have fun with (reluctant to say it) friends... I hesitate to say associates because I'm not too fond of that word. It sounds like a person with trust or people issues would use it. Anyway these people, they are my friends and I do have a good time with them when we go out but they don't know me. And I'm pretty damn certain they don't care to.

They don't know what my home situation is like, half of them don't know my major, where I'm from or what my interests are. All we know is that we go out together and we have the times of our lives together. A deep well-developed bond isn't required for that, apparently. Maybe that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

How to Make Friends - Learn How to Make Friends Everywhere You Go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAVapIgHSgw